How nifty is the new iphone?! It does everything. You can phone your friends, text message them, email them, chat with them; listen to your music, watch your movies, surf the web; use the built-in swiss army knife to open beers, and 8 or 9 later stab a friend; and otherwise pretend that technology is making your more rather than less social. All in that with a touch-sensitive screen in a little smooth glass case.

But here's something I bet you didn't know you could do with your Iphone: apply enough lubricant, and it makes a first-rate stool loosening enema. With all the gut-wrenching suspense of waiting for the Iphone's release, we know you'll be in need of yours.

That's right. You'll be doing everything else with your Iphone. Now consider shoving it up your ass.

About the Author

Born with several emotional scars running from his forehead to his soles, Mr. Beale is mad as hell. He has long stopped taking it anymore, unless you count cocaine and a long list of other spiritual enhancements. This doesn't mean Mr. Beale is depressed, an alcoholic, a drug abuser, or a sex addict; although all of these things in moderation, preferably at the same time during an all-night blow-out in Vegas, are understandable. Mr. Beale is just